Playing dead….

August 19, 2013 at 2:00 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

Last night, I picked my boyfriend up from work and on the way home I believe my blood sugar dropped because all of a sudden, I started feeling sick. I was light headed, weak, and broke out into a cold sweat. My boyfriend seemed worried about me which is rare. I have to be practically dying before he gives me a break from being his maid, driver, cook, server, sex object, etc…  We got back home and I ate some peanut butter and gradually started feeling better. During this time, he began talking and what he was REALLY worried about became apparent. He actually said out loud to me his concerns that if anything ever happened to me he didn’t know what he’d do – “I wouldn’t have anywhere to go!”  WHAT??? His narcissism never fails to shock me. So, his whole problem with me dying is that he would have to leave the home that I own because my family would kick him out and he would have no where to go! WOW. He even said, “That’s why I keep asking you to take out a life insurance policy so that if anything ever happens to you, I will be taken care of.”  Is this normal???? Am I overreacting??? Please, comment on this and give me your opinions! Am I crazy? Or am I correct in my original posts that I need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible? Now….for a sad admission on my part – I actually do worry about what he will do when I send him on his way.  What is wrong with me?

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Hoping for a miracle….

August 16, 2013 at 1:36 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

There have been a few decent nights lately with my boyfriend. He drank, but not so much that he got more annoying than I can handle. Last night though, we were having a good night and then BOOM! Another argument erupted. Money was the issue but the topic wasn’t what mattered most. It was a few things he said that just drove the nail deeper in the coffin. After the argument as I lay in bed trying to calm down and sleep, I realized I may have to end this relationship sooner than I wanted to – money or not.  But, I think I have a plan if that has to happen. It won’t be easy. None of this is easy. Five years ago I feel deeply in love with this man that I can barely stand to look at now. And I hate, HATE, conflict! So, until I can build up my courage and bank account or until all hell breaks loose, I will continue acting this part of being a good girlfriend to this spoiled narcissistic man. I just wish I could have seen through his act in the beginning. I practically BEGGED this man to fall in love with me….. Wow.  And on top of it all, I can’t seem to be the kind of mother I pray to be. I have even been arguing daily with my 10 year old daughter who I have raised and now have to admit is also spoiled and on the verge of narcissistic. For someone who is completely terrified of conflict, it is ALL around me and I hope I can make it through this phase of my life.

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Furious…

August 9, 2013 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized)

I’m furious that this is yet another night I will soon be crawling into bed next to my passed out boyfriend with my blood pressure sky high because I once again let him insult me in more ways than one tonight. And guess what? He won’t remember a damn thing tomorrow. And he won’t care. He will just complain about being sooo tired because he has to work sooo hard and I don’t. I’m on disability so in his mind, I have it made!  I guess I can’t say anything about him “not remembering tomorrow” because I have learned how to do that myself even sober as a judge.  I’ve made excuses for him for 5 years and now I just try to remain as sane as possible until I can save up enough money to make him leave. It may come to me making him leave with me having no money – I don’t know how much longer I can take it. He did, however, make the comment tonight that he might as well not work if I didn’t love him because that’s the only reason he worked anyway – also eluding to he might as well give up on everything. Well, guess what buddy? I knew there would come a day when you would push me too far – and it’s TODAY. So, it’s up to you what you decide to do with your miserably selfish life when we are done! I deserve to be free. And it will be soon.

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Intro to my struggles….

August 3, 2013 at 7:13 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

As I said in my profile, I am 43 years old and still do not feel like an adult. I feel as if I have no control over any of my life – although maybe that is a good thing because I also feel as though I make everything bad even worse! You would be surprised that I am normally a positive person…I really am! But, I think I’ve reached the end of my rope and am just trying to figure out which direction to aim for my landing. On one hand I live with an alcoholic boyfriend who I stupidly thought I could build a life with. I thought he was my soul mate. Which makes this even harder considering I married and divorced twice before him. That’s at least one good thing – that we never actually married. I know I do have to end it as soon as possible because as each day goes by, he throws just another piece of my sanity out the window. I’m fighting to keep what little I have left.

He is not physically abusive – but I guess I would say he is mentally abusive. He was spoiled rotten as a child and it has continued on into his adulthood with me being his latest “mother”. So you are asking why don’t you just kick him to the curb NOW? The old excuse of many – MONEY. Although I worked hard all my life until a couple of years ago – I am now on disability due to scoliosis, right leg being 2 inches shorter than left and a club foot – just to name a few anomalies. I did have a good little savings in the bank until my boyfriend got his last DUI and I, like an idiot, helped him with the lawyer believing he would help me save it back up. Neither of us are good at saving money so that has not happened. At that time, I also spent quite a bit of money fixing up my house. So, if I kick him out now with no savings – I will lose my house. I really really don’t want to lose this place – as modest as it is – It is home to me. Another reason to hurry this process up is that I have a 10 year old daughter who I have pulled into this alcoholic world with me! I am so ashamed of how this has effected her. There is another option – to lose everything and my daughter and I move in with my mother. This would be like jumping from the skillet into the fire. Don’t get me wrong – my mother loves me and my daughter with all her heart and she is a good woman. But, I’m not so sure she isn’t more mentally abusive than my boyfriend is! I can do nothing right in her eyes – which I agree with her – but it doesn’t help to be yelled at and talked down to as if I was still a child! I can’t stand the thought of my daughter and I living with her. So, this is the intro to my struggles. I really appreciate anyone out there who has taken the time to “listen”. I feel as if I have no one here to talk to. So, thanks. Sorry for the negativity of the post. ****Trying to give it all to GOD.

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